PSALM 27:4 "One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple."

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Mixed Emotions

Today's a day filled with ups and downs for me...esp emotionally....the day started with me going for youth...i haven been the best at all spiritually....i cant seem to find the Gid of the past...the one who loved GOD and the one who's close to GOD...i dun know where i stand now in him...its been a long long time since i felt really close to DADDY...ever since "that thing" happened a few months ago....i seemed to have lost sight of everything in my life....i blamed myself over the past few months....i took it out on myself....and worse of all....i think i took it out on GOD too...i just came back from the hospital with my mom and aunt(cousin rach's mom)... went to see my mom's sister....my ah yi...she's gonna be "going off" soon...emotions flooded me straight away when i saw ah yi lying on the bed...with her eyes closed....barely breathing....supported by an air tube only...and the worst sight was she was reduced to bones....i felt really sad...the ah yi i once knew who's so healthy and nice to us seemed like she's in so much pain... and seeing her struggling to hang on made me really depressed....depressed and down cos she doesnt know CHRIST....and i can do nothing except to watch her go...tts another soul lost in the kingdom of GOD and all i can do is just stand and watch....and its only a matter of time she's gone for good...and my cousins will have to make the decision....its really tough. This disease, that eats away ones' muscles till he/she is reduced to bones and dies eventually, already took a toll on my uncle who died a few years ago because of it....and now its happening to ah yi...i pray and pray and pray with all my heart that my mom will NEVER get this disease....(if youre reading pls pray for my mom too)...it is INCURABLE and its a very painful and cruel way to leave this world...im really afraid...seeing ah yi in this stage made me think back and ponder how i've lived my life as a christian...i've failed in my walk with GOD....i've not lived what i preached and i've not lived as though CHRIST had won the battle for me....my spiritual life is down now....in the deepest valley....even i myself cant seem to find me...where am i now...i want to get out....i want to live a victorious Christian life...most importantly i pray GOD will use me...give me the courage, the boldness, the humility, the never ashame of my faith or christ attitude....to share GOD with as many people as i can...but first i need to pull myself together and get up and start focusing on GOD...today's sermon was definitely FOR ME! 2 things i've set out to do....tt i feel is important to me now...

1) I'll pick myself up spiritually and start moving on...looking toward what GOD has set out for me to do....
2) I'll help my dad and mom even more whenever i can, with all the work they need me to do....be it in the house or helping my dad at his work place...and i will not complain or grumble...

I dont want to regret anything when i look back at my life a few years later....and i want to make sure of that now...

Jesus, you are my reward
To hear your voice on that day
It's all im living for.
Jesus, you are my reward
To see your face on that day
It's all im living for.

God, please help me to find you and to live a christian life that's pleasing to you. Help me Lord, to be obedient and to have the joy of the Lord in all that i do. And i pray too you'll give Dad and Mom good health Lord. Let your angels watch over them and protect them at all times. And God, during this difficult time, i pray for ah yi and her family...God may you be their comfort...may u not let it be so painful for ah yi...most importantly i pray that ah yi's younger son and only daughter and all my other relatives on mom's side will come to know of your saving grace... and God, even as Mom tries to cope with losing ah yi i pray you'll be her strength and her comfort...that she'll lean on you...and through it she can be stronger in you and her faith will grow God...in jesus most mighty name i pray, AMEN!

Gideon rocked it at 9:49 PM 0 comments

Mixed Emotions

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